Favourite song

Last night I stayed up till 2 a.m. and I went to sleep thinking about waking up in two hours to finish work
Got up at 5
Showered at 6
Took the usual commute at 7
And as I watched the scenery travel I realised that I hadn't thought about you yet

I used to write letters to you at 2 a.m.
Since you stopped speaking I've been occupying my time worrying about future tides
Questions still hum through my body and songs still strike chords

In the beginning I would be thrown into the past to drown
The happy space between the two of us
Now I get dragged to the memories of walking together in the rain and singing the first verse of my favourite song

I don't feel like calling it a favourite anymore

Mini me

If you ever see yourself reflected in my poems, just know
They are not about you.

These jumbled sentences come from a subconscious where dark thoughts reside from the full moon of the night

They don't mean anything unless you let them.

People can murder, cheat and lie in my mind

They hurt, cry and lash out on their kind

But never did I say 'This is about you'

Because all there was in my mind was your smile

I read my dream that I wrote a year ago and the descriptions and dates fit yours so much more

Stupid of me, I know, to go on comparing you to my notes

Because you're human,
Not a machine,
Not a concept,
Not a subject or a process
That could be improved it changed

I've loved you the way you always were

The fireworks of the Fourth of July can't compare to the ones that were there when I fell for you.

Mattresses

When you go to buy a mattress for your bed frame
You sleep on it
Lie down
Jump
Imagine how it would feel falling into it after a tired day
Imagine how it would feel to snuggle in it when you're heart broken
When it's raining outside and you snuggle in your blankets and the comfort of your mattress

Is that how you look for love?
Is that why you sleep around?
To see which body is better to hold at night?
To see who fits your hollow mold just right?

While some don't bother looking too much into it, after all it's just a mattress

Those my dear are the ones who have a very sad life because they don't see the beauty of a perfect mattress
They don't want to waste time and energy looking for it
They just want one and they will take the first one they find.
Is that how you look for love?
Is that why you're unsatisfied?

Things Hurt

When you're holding the phone up to your ear,
listening to the silence on her side
and just hoping to
whichever god was listening to you,
that she changes her mind
and that all of this doesn't feel like the end of something beautiful
because you both know how much this is gonna hurt.

Fears and anxiety were never supposed to come true
being honest was never supposed to be punished
But I don't know if I was supposed to love you.

I guess I'm at fault for pushing you away
But god I made a mistake

We're not lovers

When you're lovers across time, you say "see you then"

When you're lovers across space, you say "see you there"

When you're in love...

well, then

that force just transcends all dimensions

because no matter 

when 

who 

how 

or why 

you started loving them

it drives you 

the emotion drives you 

you become more human 

fatally so.

Crazy In Love

When I was slightly younger
I learnt a formula
"Love makes you do crazy things"
which fascinated my pubescent youth

I understood the crazy
as if it was skydiving out of a plane
without knowing if your parachute
would open or not.

I understood the trust
as the sea promised
to catch you when you jumped
off of a cliff.

I understood the love
as the wallflowers
that grew through cracks;
fragile yet unstoppable.

I thought I understood it

Until I met them

I met them
and
I realised

I realised the crazy
was putting them on a pedestal
helping them find their footing
and letting them take advantage of you

I realised the trust
was the ability to be vulnerable
without fearing
the consequences.

I realised the love
was what healed you
what made your demons run laps
but welcomed new ones.


So,
love does make you do crazy things,
things
far crazier
than you could imagine yourself
to be capable of.

Fool

I'm a fool

I tell myself everyday that I am a fool

I am a fool
because
I  fell for you

I fell in the hole of a hope of a love

a love

that stays in the hopeless state


So help me up and out of here

I really don't want to stay here

because anything is better than staying here

so help me;
help me unfall in love


















Though I'm only a fool for you...

Hand Eye Coordination

a hand runs across the desk

feeling the wood under their tiny tips

small pea eyes dart around the desk

watching the ants march past the tomato coloured dress

time passes and things grow

the hands learn to hold 

hope, dreams, butterflies and ice cream

flowers, spoons, juice boxes and looney toons

the hands will grow, to hold much more

the eyes grow bigger

as they seem something smaller

a little snail, crawling on the floor

admiring the magnitude of this tiny life near their door

time passes and the curiosity ceases 

the hand now writes

of colourless themes 

their world is black and white

ink flows on paper, it seems like so forever

the eyes now tired,

search for greys 

in their bounded milieu

of bustling bodies and bothersome nobodies

time moves on quietly

a hand lays on the bed sheet

feeling the cloth against the limp being

eyes close down 

letting sleep take over them, the tiredness having won 

time finally stops

for them.

Sand

Dreams are like sand on the beach

You can build castles with them
or let them blow in the breeze 

It sticks to your body 

just like memories

It washes up from time to time

from the sea

You carry it with you in your clothes

Just like the box of memories
that you always keep on yourself

Reminds you of the beach wherever you go

pulls you back for even more

The sea invites you and the sand enlights you 

That it changes and shifts 

and like time, runs out of your hands

You grasp it, hold it, try to bottle it up

like all the feelings that move inside you

like waves of the ocean

where your heart is a ship

that must survive the storms with it



You can vacuum, it, dust it, burn it or mould it

into a glass jar to hold it

like the big friendly giant who caught dreams

and blew them for sweet night's sleep






"Romeo: I dreamt a dream tonight

Mercutio: And so did I

Romeo: Well, what was yours?

Mercutio: That dreamers often lie"

~Shakespeare
(Romeo And Juliet 
Act I Scene IV )

Blue

Blue is a colour to some

It means a fear or failure of love 

Blue is the king of colours and shades

No matter how many royals wear red capes

Blue is a feeling that comes over us 

When we're numb, drunk or sobering up 

Blue is the sign that there is light in the sky 

Blue is why our hearts don't beat the same

Because blue doesn't hold any meaning without you 

Because blue was your favourite colour

2 a.m.

At night

I'm afraid of the daylight

I hear my alarm ringing in my head 

It drives into me like anxiety makes its home in my chest

3 a.m. is an altered reality 

But I'm too afraid to sleep 

Afraid to fall in the dark abyss where I see things I don't want to see

Things that are a bitter reminder of what could've been and what I could've had

Things as bitter as the smell of chocolate in the air 

Things as bitter as the realisation of comparing everyone's eyes to your incomparable expression 

Things as bitter as falling for you, for your lies and for your truths

But sometimes I can't stay up till 3 .

Sometimes exhaustion takes toll on my body 

And I become a fossil embedded in the mattress of the bed 

Hip bones and ribs, with arms wrapped around

Excavated by my lovers in the morning

Resurrected with a kiss on the cheek

Figures

Sometimes I'm not myself


Sometimes,
I'm just a pair of eyes
behind glasses,
staring at the screen
at 12 a.m.

Sometimes,
I just sit,
and watch my fingers
bleed on the keys.

The music
just tumbles
through my ears.

When I look up,
and see the sleeping
figure next to me
I remember
that I'm a person,

not just a string of words,

not just my thoughts

not the time wasted







I'm so much more






and I'm just figuring myself out.

Inertia

I wish you knew how much you meant to me. How deep I loved you. What your smile awakened in me. 

But it’s too late. Some feelings have an expiration date.

—  D.M.

I realised that 

even emotions

have inertia. 

The way we talked 

and connected had 

a momentum. 

It was an actual moment of sparks flying 

combusting in our own hopes and dreams 

and the better versions that we could be

of ourselves, for the other.

I told you everytime 

"I love you"

because it's something bigger

than me or my conscience can handle

I'm always left wanting 

a little more of you.

We gained momentum 

from the first moment,

built it up day-by-day.

Time seemed to be confused

because it couldn't constraint us;

we transcended it's ability.

We played with it, 

stole a second from everybody we knew 

and gave it to the the other

so our lives went by slower

while others sped about.

Creating time loops of memories in my head 

Memories of your laughter,

of your smiles,

of our battles with sleep,

of the seconds you would look at me intently 

Then one day, 

we lost control 

and crashed.

All the momentum lost

The way a car jerks to a halt and 

you're thrown forward without your

better knowledge

Time pushed us forward

without our better knowledge

and the crash hurt

well at least, it hurt me.

Because even if 

you're wearing a seatbelt, 

the crash still hurts.

I try to pick myself up,

try to find out who I am 

in the world where time is ruthless 

to my existence.

One day, 

I couldn't take the silence

and wrote my last letter to you.

I never gave it to you, 

though I carried it around 

with me in false hopes.

I burnt it a week later

because sometimes

you let your words turn to ashes

because you don't mean them anymore.

because sometimes,

it's too late for somethings to be understood 

because sometimes,

things are better left unsaid

and because sometimes

I'm just a shitty poet. 

Lights

I saw you again today

For the umpteenth time

Though your beauty will never fade from my eyes

Tragically, I will always find you beautiful

Though you now seem to pretend I'm invisible
and you do a great job at it.

I was standing next to you,
reading poetry

My fingers always seemed to turn pages which reminded me of you

You moved away, to a more active audience,
One which was undead, unlike me.

The bitter smell of your favourite chocolate drafts around me
Reminding me of my miniature failures

You leave without giving me a second glance,
I can't blame you though,
I pretend that I'm invisible.

I go up to the rooftop
I stand there and write these strings of word
Admiring the view that you promised to share with me once

The street lights in the distance,
glimmer in the dusk
like fairies
guiding the lost in the forest

I hope they guide me as well
through these woods
that I often seem
to get stuck in

And I hope
I will see you
on the other side.

I Want To Know

You tell me
I calm you down,
but
I want to make you
uncomfortable.

I want to know
what it's like
to trap you
between my arms
and the elevator walls.

I want to know
what it's like
to watch you squirm
in the confined space.

I want to know
what it's like
when you realise
what I can do
as I finally
move away from you.

But,

I want to know
how your skin feels like
against mine.

I want to know
how your fingers will look
wrapped around mine.

I want to know
what it would be like
to hold your face in my palms
as you stare up at me.

I want to know,
what it would be like
to kiss you,
without hesitation,
without compromise.

Do your lips taste as soft as they look?

Would our teeth clash as our tongues meet?

Would your hands roam my body?

Would they clasp the back of my neck?

Would my arms pick you up?

Would they pull you closer by the waist?

Will we come up for air?

Would we intoxicate ourselves a little longer?

These are trivial and adolescent questions
Nothing more than that.

But

I want to know

Will you be mine?

Because I will always be yours

at least some part of me

No matter what.

Dreams

You told me I'm a dream come true,
but do you know that I dream of you?

Dreams are just a different form of hope,
piled on top of one another.

A big mess of hopes is our dreamland.

Our last hope is that they all come true.

Nightmares are a different form of anxiety

the kind that likes to find its comfort in our stomachs

while we lose our own (comfort).

You told me that I'm a dream come true,
but you sounded like you were in the arms of sleep.

Dreams are not always a reality,
they don't come true.

We just find something similar.

Therefore dreams are replaceable.

Hence I, too, am replaceable.

You told me that I'm a dream come true,
but you dream when you're asleep.

So, my love,

I'm sorry to be the bearer of appalling news

but one day,

you will wake up

and I will be nothing more than a thought

collecting dust in your memory

So, wake up,

wake up

and start a new day;

where you and I

are anything but grey

Let me be a better version of myself

One that doesn't see the fault between

You and I

Why would you do this to me?

Do you know what makes my stomach jump?

You.

You do.

Sometimes it's the mere thought of you

You're ever present in the back of my mind

Sometimes looking at you makes me nervous

But when I catch you looking at me?
My stomach flips.

And when you catch me looking at you; then smile?
My stomach performs an entire routine.

...

Do you know what makes me sick to my stomach?

You.

You do.

Sometimes it's the thought that you would probably end up with that asshole

And the fact that I won't do anything to stop it
It makes the bile rise up to my throat.

Sometimes it's the fact that you won't be here next year; next to me

that makes me sick

Sometimes,

It's the possibility that I'm nothing

that I won't mean anything to someone at the end of the day

that makes me cry

Because I just keep giving parts of myself to people without asking anything in return

because sometimes I feel like I'm not worth it....

Bedtime

Tuck my words behind your ears
As I kiss you goodnight

Let your thoughts seep out
as you play pillow fight
with monsters under your bed
and the ones that haunt your head

Build a bridge of sleep
to the land of your dreams
Away from the nightmares
which you wake up to

Keep a sweet smile
above the pillow
in the dwam of sleep
reveling in the comfort of quilts

When things feel wrong
let the mattress
soak all your pain
replace it with solace

Sleep
sweet one
and forget every agony
that you have felt

For this is just the beginning 

Tastes

What once tasted like principles
now tastes like insults

Constitutions flooded with pain
living in an unrefined state

Bread crumbs on my chest
lead to your mistress

Your secrets might be safe with me
but i'm not good at hiding myself

Like an unhinged heart
I follow you

Chaos masters me
For I make my home in a quandary

Mislead by my desires
backed by your conscience

Masked in your stench
I breath in your lambastes

You corrode over
my harsh edges
that I built with love
and foregone fears

A choice of subterfuge
for allying me with the dead

You do the things you do
But I merely ask for who?

You desolate yourself
just to see
how bleak can a will to live be?

Once a tell-tale heart
has now fallen apart

So my lover
rest upon the stars
as I free myself from the clutches
of our past

The intoxicant wears out
fall from your high
wake up and smell
the times gone by

Shut Up

I'm sorry that
my words come
out watery

I know that
you hate
watery stuff

I'm so sorry

I'll just take my words back

Oh oops

You can't do that

Okay

I'll remember it in the future

I'll just shut up

Y'know
Spare you the ache
of seeing my
boiled out face

Begging

It's a lie

I said that she was there

But I

A fool

Lead you all to believe that I had someone

Someone who understands

I don't

I'm alone

I'm alone when I study through the night

I'm alone when I get to class early

I'm alone when I sit in my room with my thoughts haunting me

My thought haunt me all the time

And you tell me to put it aside

..

Do you even know what it means to 'haunt'?

This is not The Canterville Ghost who can just ignore

It lurks all the time

And when I'm alone it attacks me

With everything unsaid to me

And anything I never heard

It controls me

It controls me because I would do anything for it to go away

It likes to boil out of my face

It likes to make me shiver even in the heat

So I beg

Like many of you

To either leave me alone

Or

To put me out of my misery

Pools

Why do I believe in soulmates?

Sometimes I feel so FUCKING HOPELESS!

What the fuck am I doing?

Why do I do this to myself?

Putting myself through all this shit,

FOR WHAT?! That too all by myself

What will I get out of this?

I know I made a decision then, thinking it was for the best of me

I guess I have to trust myself  

But I guess I’m just looking for reassurance

But they look at me with so much pity

What the fuck are THEY SORRY FOR?!?

It was my decision and I am living with it

Their eyes

                       Brown and black

                                                         Look like pools of sadness

They seem to be sad for me.

But it just confuses me.

Because I'm not sad...

... I don't think I have a reason to be.

So why is it that my voice cracked?
Why was there a lump in my throat?
Why did they touch my face as if they had lost someone they loved the most ?
Why do they seem to mourn for me while I'm still alive?


Do they think i'm a failure?



Do they think I'm undeserving?



Their eyes baffle me.

















I hate this....

Hate

A/N: I've always written about love, so here is some about hate; inspired by Halsey









I hate the way you take control over me

Read me out and smile down at me

Grab me by the collar and throw me against the wall

Then pick up my pieces to snicker amongst

thieves who have taken parts of it

stick it together just to get a laugh off it

So will you ever let me be?






I hate how you know me

Inside out

upside down

Through and through

with all my reds and blues





Hit you back to save myself

here

cleanse your wounds with my tears

I don't need them because I've tasted enough

but

I won't let you help me at the times

you don't get to comfort me when i cry

I whimper alone in the centre of the room,

 with tears that like to race down my face

you don't get to be there for me when I'm scared and insecure

you don't get to pick me up when i fall

you don't get to rid your conscience of guilt

I will paint your face black with my innocence

and you can paint me red with your hurt

you just marched out of the room

"You need to become strong"

Am I not strong enough?

Fear

Sometimes I'm afraid...

Afraid of, what if I never fall in love again?

Or what if I'm not able to love someone back?

Well, to be able to love someone back I'd have to fall for them first.

Most people think I've never been in a relationship... which is true.

But you don't have to be in a relationship to be in love...

I think the first time I had truly fallen in love was also the last time. Not the last time in my whole life, but the last time in all my life that I've lived yet.

She was the reason I started writing.

I wrote for her,

All the cheesy things I could.

When it was over, it felt so weird, because I never had closure.

There was no "officiating" the end of what could have been.

But somewhere I knew it was over, because this affection that I had for her seemed to be unrequited.

I complicate things and I feel too much, but that's what I am,

A cheesy mess of all things in life.

People have fallen for me before,

Such people whose love I couldn't reciprocate

To them,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you fell for me.

I'm sorry you thought that you had to be loved to be complete.

I'm sorry society makes you think that you are broken unless you find the missing piece

And I'm sorry you thought that missing piece was me.

I'm sorry I couldn't show you how beautiful you are.

I'm sorry you couldn't see the sight for yourself.

I'm sorry that you tried so hard to be someone that you thought was better than yourself.

Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be in love with them.

They are two different things.

But people most of the times don't know the difference between the two.

I can love my best friend but that does not mean I am in love with them.

I can be in love with a person but that doesn't mean I love the person.

You must be wondering 'How is the latter possible?'

Well, ever heard of Love-hate relationships?

So my fear is....

What if I fall again? But for someone who would be oblivious to it?

What if I shut up before I even give it a chance to bloom?

What if I never let myself fall in love again?

What if....

Even if I manage to get her, give and make love to her, but leave her in the end?

I am afraid that I would run away.

I don't want to run away.

Comfort

Hey my love

I haven't seen you in a while 

I see you're growing up 

Into the light that I see inside 

I see your bruised knuckles and spindly hands

twisting around the cap

from the stacks of blues and blacks

All for some facility

of life and what it could be 

Yet here I stand.

Blood stained and sun kissed.

Deep browns and amber lips.

Raven hair and jaw unclenched,

hands clasped in front of my back.

Don't promise love,

for it is not yours to give.

You were my creation,

but will you be my damnation?

In my blood there is song

That strums through my veins all year long.

Been waiting for you to hear it

since I was born. 

So lay your head on my chest 

Take comfort in me 

Let my fingers run through your hair 

like wind through the fields

Don't hold your breath 

Let it flow like light through the forest seams
Take comfort in me
And let the sobs rack your body
For you are alive

Pity

I take a minute to feel sorry for myself
Taking my arm in my hand
Looking at my scars I say


"Oh you poor child,
you've been through hell.
What did you go through
that you did this to yourself?"


"O sweet child, you've never done anyone wrong.
You are worth all the tears in this world.
The world owes you so much happiness,
I just hope you stay long enough to see it"


So I raise my hand and kiss my scars.
The kisses are awkward but meaningful.
My head pounds and hand aches,
but this interaction will never see the day
for only the brave, at night, stay.


So I hope my knuckle doesn't swell
but my heart does instead
hoping to see a stranger
who will do this all over again.

What to Do?

"Do what the world tells you to do

         Because that is the only way you will fucking live"

I just wanna show up

With the wounds and scars I had 

When I met you 

For the first time 

Why do you scare me so much?

'I don't fear anything!' I tell myself

'I cant't fear because there is nothing dear to loose'

Yet you make my heart race and breathing uneven

I am scared of you even though you've never touched me

But your words always leave me boiling

I can't hate you, because you only mean well

but I don't like the way you make me feel.

I don't have any fears

Yet I am scared all the time

My stomach curse and crunches

Just put me out of my misery 

               "It's really difficult to live 

   

                                     But the worst is to survive"

It is so sad

I bet even my demons laugh at my attempts to live

Laughing their horns off at my tries of being who I want to be

Their tails smacking around as they roll on floor

Laughing at my futile attempts

'I am brave' I think to myself.

"are you really?"    my demons question me

"I see no change. You achieved NOTHING!"

"i did..." I try ro say in small whisper

"Fool! Don't you see? It's all foolishness. If you don't do what you're told, you'll amount to nothing"

"I already did what I was told!I do what I am told! Yet I don't see anything! I am incapable of doing anything! Because I am tired; tired of just working, working, working and working and never achieving anything. I know it sounds selfish. But I let down so many people. I try to act like I don't care, like it doesn't faze me. I act as if I'm strong and I can take it... 

I'M NOT!

I AM SICK OF THE ACTING!!

So you devil's can shut the fuck up! Because I won't stop trying until I die.

All the fucking world laughs at mt attempts, so fucking WHAT!

One day...

One day when I will no longer exist; a day I won't matter.

On that day I will be nothing but a fond memory 

For all those who knew me

Because I am going to impress this world with how beautiful I can be.

No matter how hard it is.

i will change the world...

That is a promise I make to myself tonight.

So shut the fuck up and watch"  I snicker at my demons

Who remain phased out by my speech.

Beg

You said you loved me



You said you understood me



But really




how can you do that when i don't understand myself?




How can you love me when i do not love myself?




to be alive today is surely an honour



one that's been bestowed upon me




It is up to me to make it worth while





but ....


I feel myself slipping

each and everyday


i feel some part of me caring less


slowly giving up....


people around me tried fighting beside me

for me





but now




they are tired too



they beg me to get up



to stand up on my two feet that they have tried to build for me


to fight for myself with all that they have given me


to remember all the virtues that they ever taught to me


to see the world not through their experiences but through my own eyes




I'm running out of things to say



I just want to enjoy the silence


the sweet silence with the person who understands me






She is there




She knows this too





But I'm afraid

Enough

What you do to me is insane.

How can a person consume me so entirely?

Ever since we began to speak,

you slept in my thoughts only.

You are the only person I've ever wanted to touch

just to show you how beautiful you are.

Even though, never have I seen your face

and this could all be a cruel prank.

Yet I seem to love you no less

 am I angry or compassionate?

I don't know anything about you,

all I know is that you're far away from me.

They say, deeper the crack

more the love can be filled in them

But will I be enough?

Am I?

You were just a crush to begin with.

But somewhere in between when we spoke,

 I managed to jump over your walls. 

I saw how deep you had your head in; 

in this dark universe of yours.

I, being the naive person I am,

 decided to help you through. 

Somehow, I began to want you. 

You told me about scars

 and all I wanted was to kiss them. 

I wanted to give love to your scars 

to show you that they would mean nothing. 

Not without you.


But when the truth came out, you disappeared.

Do you have any idea about what I felt?

I tried to reach out to you but you weren't there.

Was it easy for you

To leave me without answers?

To comeback after months without a fucking explanation?!

Yet I let you in.

You come to me for support when everybody turns their back on you.

It's so selfish of you

You use me to feel better and I like a fool 

Let you use me.