Green

I wonder what her kiss tastes like

Cherry lips and chocolate chips

Or is it her scented smoke

Does it taste like bubblegum that she blows?

Glass eyes glazed over paper with her hair overthrown

She always has her highway shoes on, with nothing that she owns

Steady blues

Jutted lips and throwing fists

I always knew what love looked like

But it's not you

Carpe Noctem

TIME

What exactly is time?

A few days ago I was busy getting ready for my tuitions and I saw that almost all my clocks were a little behind I'm thinking 'well I set them according to the time on my phone how can they be ahead or behind what I set?'

So I was a little worried and I started pondering about what time exactly is. Coming to the conclusion, I thought that time is one of the five dimensions in which we exist. It is really amusing to discover something that had been in front of my eyes all time. In earlier grades when I was taught science, we got some time graphs and there was a certain graph in which we draw the line of an object in motion in respect to time. So there would be more moments where it would be that the object is not moving but the time is moving. The idea is that even if you stop moving through three or four of the dimensions, if we stop moving in Length, breadth(not possible in our cases) height or even space you will never stop moving through time. From the moment that you're born, you keep moving through time and you would never stop moving. The only time you ever stop moving through time is when you stop existing and that is only from your perspective and not from somebody else's. You might stop existing which means your time has stopped, your graph has stopped but for others time has not stopped, people are still existing and its mind blowing when you think about it. 

Ever feel like it's so lonely in this world? I was listening to a song in which the singer says that if you feel lonely then just remember that we lay under the the same stars and I was thinking 'why would you want to to lay under the same stars?'

Think about it like this, that you both are going through the same time frame, you're going through the same time together. You both are on the graph, the graph does not stop moving. If you guys think of it like that, that's so amazing. The line on your graph is constantly going whether you are not moving, whether you're procrastinating, whether you're wasting time, whatever you doing; your graph is moving, the time is moving. The line is moving, you are not but the time? It doesn't stop. It never stops until you die and that's amazing! It blows my mind how I did not see that before this and it so beautiful.

Open Book

Sometimes you intrigue me

I feel like I want to know you

Inside out

From your over flowing seams to your burning brown eyes

From your mischievious smiles to your blushing red

Sometimes I feel like you're an open book

That everything is there for me to see

That nothing is left to imagination

But then again

When you look away too soon

Or when you glance at the ground

I feel like I missed a few pages

You know, like when two pages are stuck together

And in my eagerness to finish the book,

I skiped them

Maybe it's true

Maybe it isn't true

But baby for sure

You were my muse

So in love

Last night I had a dream, which is an unusual event in itself. In my dream, there was a girl. Her hair was recently shaved and it was growing out. It was white/grey in colour. She had slightly dark brown skin and a beautiful smile. She wore a grey track suit. Her eyes were a warm dark brown and when she smile at me, she smiled with her eyes smile too. The smile that crinkles around your eyes and you show all your teeth. That's how she smiled at me. She was a little taller than me and had a lean body. I remember hugging her and feeling how soft and fragile she felt. It was amazing. When I hugged her, it was the best feeling ever, it felt so soft and it made me so happy. I felt euphoric,

I felt like I was in love.

In my dream, she really liked me. Not like an obsession and not like "Oh my god you're so cool" like, but it was more of a... I'm trying to search for the right words to describe it, but all I can come up with is "I really like you".

I just remember feeling like I was her safe haven.

Have you ever wanted to be someone's safe place, when the person is upset, they come to you and to them it feels like everything will be alright. I felt that I was that for her when I hugged her. The moment I wrapped my arms around her shoulders it felt like she melted into me.

I woke up resenting her softness. It was a beautiful experience. I wonder if she actually exists. I wonder if she dreamt about me and felt the same way. One thing is for sure, that that was what it feels like to be in love and it was the most beautiful thing ever. I wish I get to dream about her again. I wish I had dreams like this more often. Until reality hits, my dreams will always live on bits of paper and binary digits.

Familiarities

I have always found comfort in things which are familiar to me

Songs in a familiar arrangement bring back memories and comfort

The familiar expression of my best friend and her calm and confident eyes make me calm

The familiar scent of my blanket puts me at ease in the dark

I've never been afraid of the dark

The only thing I've ever been afraid of is the uncertainty of what could be in the dark

It's the same reason why I'm afraid of the deep sea

Because I don't know what could be there

I'm not afraid of heights

I know with certainty that if I fall

I will crash to the ground

Doesn't matter if I survive or not

What matters is that the ground will be there to catch me

Knowing this puts me to ease

I just thought what my certain family members would think when if they read this.

They would probably laugh and call me an attention seeking teenager.

Maybe I am seeking attention

Ever wonder why though ?

Because sometimes these familiarities scare me 

Swinters

Big, cold hands,

Used to hold mine within

I loved him

He was my familiarity, my stone

His warm breath would hit me

Like a hot summer wind

And his hair used to fall in waves

But now,

He has no breath

All his hair is gone

His whole body is cold and pale

Small warm hands,

I hold within mine

I love her

Her eyes are attentive

Like a curious child's

Her smile is enchanting

Like the sun in a winter sky

And now

She is here next to me

With me ...

Week

We're going somewhere

And I just can't sleep

Too many street lights

I've been up for weeks

Searching for something that I don't need

Or maybe it's what I choose to believe...

They say you realise a person's worth when they're gone

But I realised their need when I didn't even know them

Feeling high from all that's around me

Drug abuse? That's not me...

The stress gives me a high

I call it anxiety

Falling from that high is the worst

Who am I to judge people when I feel the biggest hypocrite in the world ?

I tell people to love themselves

Teach them even,

But I'm not able to love myself....

I wonder if I ever will be able to.

I have a long way to go, but I'll get there someday.

Sometimes I feel too much

Huh

I always feel too much

That's a feeling too, lol

Maybe it's normal,

Maybe it isn't

But whatever it is

It's me

And I'll learn to live with it love it

Hold Me Back

Why do my parents tell me not to cry ?

It is completely alright if my little sister cried

Heck, they gave her love when she cried

But,

When tears start forming in my eyes

And they can hear the emotion in my voice

As I try my best to speak through it

They tell me not to cry

I shout at them

"What is so wrong about crying ?!

If I'm crying then I can't help it.

It's an emotion.

I can't stop it."

I want to shout further

"Would you rather have me harm myself than cry ?

Would you rather I held it in and let it eat me up inside ?

Because that's what I did as a child

AND IT DID NOT WORK OUT FOR ME!!"

But I don't

What holds me back ?

Why don't they understand ?

Why is it so difficult to understand that crying is okay ?

Why is it so difficult for them to see that my studies is not the only thing I am ?

Yes it may play a role in my future

But they make me feel like IT is my future.

Somewhere deep inside

A small part of me believe that it isn't everything

But right now,

I can't even tell what I'm feeling

If I could, I would

If I could, I'd want to relive my childhood. Not because I have amazing and fun memories of it. It's because I don't remember any of it. Most of my childhood is just a blur of really funny and happy moments. I don't want to relive it for those moments; no I want to relive it for all those mundane moments. Moments where the maid combed my hair and tucked the hair behind my ear with it, just the way I like it. How my dad would feed me boiled eggs with salt and pepper as I hooked my shoes on because I was always late to school.

I want to relive my childhood so that I can see where all those scary memories came from. The memory of my parents fighting, memory of blood everywhere, memory of being bullied.

Some of my favourite memories from childhood are when my grandfather used to come pick me up from school. The school has huge jamun trees, so on the way back he would pick some of the fallen fruit which had not been walked on, wash it with water from my water bottle and then we would eat it on our way back home. We didn't speak much but we were just happy to see each other.

I remember him being hurt. I remember taking a glass of water and some cotton near him. I remember dipping the cotton ball in the water and then using the soaked material to clean the scratch on his arm. What I don't remember is  how much was he hurt ?

Maybe they will always remain a mystery. Maybe they are meant to not be understood. Maybe that is the magic of it all.

One thing is for sure though, that I wouldn't change any of it.

Are you what love looks like ?

Supposed to

When my mother hugs me

I'm supposed to feel comfort, right ?

When my father puts his arm around my shoulders

I'm supposed to feel safe, right ?

When people wish me on my the day I was born

I'm supposed to feel thankful, right ?

Supposed to

Sometimes I cannot tell the difference between what I feel and what I'm supposed to feel

I've always been taught that this is supposed to be done.

I see others say that they feel loved and and safe in their parents arms

I should too ?

You

I'm looking up at the moon tonight 

Bathing in all her ivory glory

Mocking me with her knowledge 

Of all the secrets that I might never know 

The moon knows secrets 

Of lovers and royals I might never meet 

She, a witness to triumph and tragedies 

Since the world began

She might know of lovers and liars 

But does she know about you?

Does she know about the way you move?

Does she know how you enchant me?

Will she remember how your hands fidget when you're  nervous?

How I hold them and your consciousness within  

Will she remember how you bite your lips when uncertain?

How I hold your chin and grasp your gaze 
To see if you still remember my soul

I am your focus 

In a world of variables 
I will be your constant 
When everything is swinging 
I will be the one standing 
When everyone is fighting 
I will be holding you 

The moon might know secrets
But she'll never know you 
For You are not a secret 
You are not a possession 

You are a part of me 
In love we have been bound 
To let go would be difficult 
But seeking happiness does justice 
To the wounds of being ripped apart 

Promises

I'm angry at myself sometimes...

I am angry at myself right now

Right now I am angry because it feels like I have no control over myself. So easily persuaded.

My sister's paper cutter accidently broke off; I'm seeking the blade and it's so fucking tempting.

I could just pick it and prick....

But would I be at ease then ?

 Holding onto the slightly rusted metal with my finger. Something so small, yet the power it holds within itself is so immense. It has the power to take my life. But will I let it.

Ugh, I just reminded myself of that metaphor from "Fault In Our Stars" ;How that piece of rolled paper with tobacco in it had the power to take his life, but he didn't give it the power to do so. He put it between his teeth, yet didn't light it, hence depriving the cigarette the ppower to take his life.

Lets continue with my visual shall we ?

Turning that tiny blade over and over, considering all my past promises...

Promises

Huh.

When I was a kid, my parents were not in a great condition. We lived in a small house. They worked very hard. I remember parts of it. They used to get me ready for school and drop me off. From school I would go to a lady who used to take care of me until my parents came back from office. Sadly I can't seem to remember her name, but she is one of the few people I remember from my childhood. She has had an impact on me, but I'm straying from the point.

My parents worked really hard, just so that they could give me a better platform. Something much better from what they had received. I am grateful to them definitely but sometimes it was difficult for them to spend time with me. My mother worked office hours, but since my father was self employed, he used to be really busy. The reason I'm telling you this is because I want to explain why.

There were times when he would make promises to me, to take me out or to come home later or that he would buy me that toy I was pleading for. He wasn't able to always keep those promises. I don't blame him, I completely understand, but that little child doesn't.

I remember how much it hurt that little child when their father broke a tiny promise. 

Wasn't a tiny promise for me

It felt like I had been lied to. 

These adults teach us not to lie, but that is literally how they live.

You become an adult when you finally become a hypocrite.

So I hate breaking promises and I had promised a bunch of assholes/lovely people that I wouldn't harm myself

But then I did

A Name

True love is a Simple Tragedy

For the lovers do spoil each other for the best

And though they become one until death

The world doesn't seem to be so simple

      _______________________________________

Her eyes travel around

Curious, impatient; fervent

She looks up and down the road searching for familiar faces with unease 

So as to not be seen

 

Her hands travel up and down the strap on her shoulder

It seems to be getting heavier as she walks closer

She can't keep up this way

It's too much

"I can't take it
The anxiety is killing me"

And killing her it was indeed

She makes way in her piteous state

"Finally I can breathe"

She says as she let's go of the weight

Hanging on to her shoulder like the Laurel  Wreath

"Doesn't even remember my name..."

    ______________________________________

"True love exists
It truly does
But finding it is
My task from dawn to dusk"

"Oh ye Cheeky!"

My friends call out

As I jump down the stage

After taking my bow

"Been a Romeo enough ?"

They ask out

"Don't mistake me for Romeo as I am a fair maiden who has come to steal Juliet

My friends do not mistaken me for Romeo for I am no man

But I am more than a man"

Finishing off with a grin and howls

I feel a push and I turn around

I see the skies trapped in her eyes

Can't seem to let go of the sight

 

"Doesn't even remember my name..."

 

I think aloud

Wild eyes shoot back at me 

 

  ______________________________________

Was that the day that the earth met the skies ?

Or was it the day the sky fell on Earth ?

To each his own is what says my mind

Because on that day, everything seemed fine

Yet there were fires burning in both of them

For different reasons, 

Of different seasons 

 

   ______________________________________

Author's Note : I have decided to post whatever I write without thinking twice. Because after all, there should be no filters in my head, right ? That's what this blog is all about.

Sometimes

Sorry

These days all I seem to be is Sorry

Was I always this sorry ?

Taking comfort in the apologies of my uncommitted crimes

My own voice echoing through my skull

They tell me that it's okay,

But will it ever be truly okay ?

I am sorry

Sorry for existing.

After all,

the crimes that you hold me guilty for

would have never happened if I didn't exist.

You tell me it's my fault

My thought are running around

Begging to know

"What can I do to make it right ?"

Is there something that I can even do ?

Sometimes they ask me

"Are you okay ?"

So I lie through my teeth

My prideful smile playing on my lips

Pulling my cheeks up

And keeping my head high

"Yup"

Sometimes they ask me 'why ?'

Why do you keep it on when you don't need it ?

Why do you listen to music when you study ?

Why don't you talk ?

Why don't you ?

WHY DON'T I WHAT ?!

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT AS AN ANSWER ?!

I AM ALL ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS, WHICH RUN AROUND CAUSING MAYHEM WITHIN ME

These thoughts will be the death of me

Or have they already killed me ?

Too dramatic you may say

Huh

Doesn't seem dramatic when ... Nevermind

You ask why I keep the AC on even though my room is cold ?

The low hum of the machine keeps my ears occupied. The cold air pinches my skin telling me that I still have senses

I can still feel

I am still alive.

You ask why I listen to music while studying ?

The sounds keep my brain from going into thoughts. Thoughts you wish I'd never had. But you can't step into my brain can you. Only I can help myself...

Take away my headphones, turn off the AC, switch off the fan.

Give me a pen, some paper and my calculus

The shrill hum of the silence blows in my ear

Reminding me that I am all alone in the room

Do you have any idea how tempting it is ?

It's all so simple yet

You had to go and complicate it

Trying produce a will to live within me.

Encounters

Author's Note : I don't know how many people face the same situations as me... Well not exactly the same situation because the world is a huge variable, but I mean relatively similar situation.

I decided to record my reactions

  

Before the encounter, all I felt was anger and hatred towards myself. Self loathing is all I have done every since I found my thoughts. I couldn't shake of the feelings. It was very difficult. Wanting to jump off of somewhere is all I wanted because I promised my father that I would not cut myself. Part of what made me angry was that I knew if I talked to someone like my parents, they would tell me that what I am thinking is very stupid,
that I'm seeking their attention,
it's just a phase,
you have to fight it,
'Look at me I have so many more difficulties than you and I'm still so brave, you can do it too  blah blah blah blerugh .
Agreed that you have difficulties
Accepted that I am your child
So I ignored my feelings, suppressed most of my memories, I don't remember most of my life anymore. Almost as if I never existed.

I always thought to myself that people are facing bigger problems than me. They have much more complicated problems. So I shut myself up. I never wanted to appear selfish. So I shut myself up. Everytime I fall apart and get back up, people around me believtme that this would be the last time. So I shut up and let them believe just so that they can go on with their lives without me being a distraction. 

I always felt that my problems were insignificant compare to other people's problems. So I never said anything about mine. Or told myself that I didn't have any problems.

As I grew up I let myself coop up. I pretended that I was invisible. A spectator to the story. The way a person reading a book feels like, being able to see everything happening with much detail but not being able to participate in it.

My palms are almost bare. Very few lines are there. I like to think that it would be my choice. My future which I decide.
Sometimes I tell myself that I am different because I will survive under all circumstances. Yet sometimes I don't want to exist anymore.

It sucks.

Whenever I talk to my counselor, I end up coming face to face with my reality.

The very reality which I have been running away from so long. But didn't I choose to face it ? Then there shouldn't be any thong wrong, right ?

Well after I left her room, I realise that I am numb. I'm not thinking about anything anymore. It's like a vacuum inside my head. Before talking to her, my mind had been abuzz with thoughts, theories, worries and poetry. It was slightly suffocating. But now...

It was empty. I didn't feel anything.

Numb

Humans ?

What makes us human ?

What makes our surroundings human ?

Is it the inevitable faults in our processes ?

The way it is inevitable for a weed to grow in a garden. It is not a fault but a variable which cannot  be eradicated, only decreased.

The world is relative. Everything varies. But every once there are constants. My constant is that I am a perfectionist, or so I have been told.

Ever since I have started participating in my classes most of my teachers have told my parents that I am a perfectionist.

I really doubt that

Because I am not perfect. Being a perfectionist does not mean you are perfect, it means you constantly want to be perfect. The perfect student, perfect daughter, perfect sister, Perfect

I've written that word so any times now that it seems so empty of it. Just like the word love. I've said it so any times that I feel it has lost its meaning.

Sometimes I feel broken. Like something might've broken me. I can't put my finger on what broke me or why I feel this way. Sometimes I feel like nothing was ever wrong. Do I cause trouble for people because of my moods ? Maybe if I wasn't so moody. It would be easier for them if I just didn't bother them. Everybody already has a lot to deal with either ways....

A Simple Tragedy

But I do wonder, is this what love feels like ?
The feeling that I am the one for you and I will treat you better than anyone else could
I wish I could believe it to be true, the former and the latter.
But that is for you to decide whom to choose
Because at the end of the day I become a slave to your love for I would do the required and beyond to fulfill your polite requests.

They say that love is blind
But it is the love that blinds you
Lovesick decisions are never rational but we make them and act on them hoping for the very best
Little are we aware that good intention pave the highway to hell

They say that if you love someone you should let them go
But what if you were never holding on to them
Mistaking lust for love
You danced in your illusions under the nightlight

She was your moon for you loved her gentle glow
But little did you know that you were her sun,
The source of her light.

So wrapped up in each others world were you
Didn't realise what was becoming of you two
Becoming one without knowing, until the day it was time to part.

Finding it impossible to separate each other from themselves
They were hurt and helpless

Finding it impossible to go on
Wreathing memories and feeling the wrath of each other's anguish
It seemed like there was nothing that they could do.
Wanting better for the other
They each decided :
"If I go forever maybe she can go on to be better"

Taking their lives so that the other lives on
So that they don't have to wait to let go and the other can move on

Little did they know they were never holding on...

~Anjora Khatri

Struggles

"Everyone has their own wars to win" 

People go through a lot of tings. Everybody has their own struggles. 

Everybody includes, your parents, siblings, cousins, the people you talk to, the people who cross the road with you, your grumpy milk man, the random stranger you admired while you were in the store, the sweet cashier and of course even YOU.

If not currently, then maybe earlier, or soon, everybody goes through difficulties.

What I know very well is that some people go through a single very difficult time which completely breaks them.

 Shattered into fine granular pieces of themselves like the powdered glass which children stick on the Manja. 

They begin to question their own beliefs and every aspect of themselves. It all feels worthless and absolute waste of time. 

Wouldn't it just be easier to end everything right here ? Just taking that one step shortcut from the top floor to the ground floor....

      _____________________________________

Recycling of glass bottles :

Have you ever wondered how glass is recycled ? Well,

1. The glass which has been disposed after usage is separated from the trash
2. They are sorted by colour and then washed for impurities.
3. Then they are crushed into fine sand like tiny pieces
4. The granular shards of glass is then melted to form a red hot molten form.
5. The melted glass is then poured into moulds to form the new bottles and jars

      _____________________________________

The man I saw driving down the road on your way to the market ? Middle aged, around 40-45, wearing a plane white shirt which has turned a pale beige after having worn it for so long with the pen that was left to him by his father which he carries around whenever he is nervous or is about to do something important. Accompanied by a black belt with a golden coloured buckle supporting his dark brown ash coloured pants, hair slicked back with a salt-and-pepper shade. His classic round framed glasses with golden coloured rims, resting on his nose. A lean build of short man, driving his small grey car.

With eyes eager to reach their destination. Thinking of all the possibles choices which he has made such that he has arrived at this moment in his life.

Lovesick

I think of your arms wrapped around me

and my heart begins to beat erratically.

I think of watching the door open

and see you walk through it

and I can't help but smile

at the foolish trial for this impossible future

You seem so distant, unattainable, surreal;

To me you are an image

an illusion which alludes me

and lulls me to sleep in the waves of love

I cannot touch you or embrace you

Since the pleasure of touch

being something I have never

indulged in

Never have I imagined

spending my time with someone

the way I do with you.

If I could, I would fly over oceans
Only to be able to take you out

for meals at your favourite restaurants.

Just so that I can hold you in my embrace

and make you forget about all the pains

that you have ever felt.

I want to lay with you

and hold you as we fall asleep into the dark winter night

which I would brandish into my memory

For you will be the first for me
And I would imagine to be the last for you.

~Anjora Khatri

Get used to it.

Have you ever come across a situation when your mind goes absolutely *BLANK* ?

A moment ago your mind was abuzz with thoughts and questions which felt unanswerable... If only someone would quench your thirst for knowledge.

I might be slightly exaggerating the thought, but it has happened to the best of us. Now here you are with your questions, waiting for someone to answer them. Then you come across the Internet, the place with all things from the weirdest, most gross and horrifying to the most serene, beautiful and mind boggling co-existing in 0s and 1s. This place can hold the answers to most of our questions.

Now every person has a different reaction to this situation :

• Some people are successful in actually finding answers to their questions. 
• Some get distracted by the other forms of information available 
• Some don't even bother opening the search engine and just end up visiting the website that they usually go to

Now where do I fall in these categories ? 

All of them.

When I was younger, I tried to be as organised and neat as possible because that is what I had been taught. At some point my understanding of the definition changed from organised to categorise. If you go to grocery store, you will probably find all the products in sections with labels according to the relevance and purpose of the product. Take the produce section for reference to what I am trying to say:

You know that an eggplant is a vegetable, a watermelon is a fruit and the bay leaf is a herb. Most of us know that a potato is a vegetable, an apple is a fruit and Tulsi is a herb. But what about Tomatoes ...
Where do tomatoes fit in ? Earlier people thought that tomatoes were a vegetable but as it turns out that biologically they are fruits. Lemons are considered as fruits because they contain seeds but truly they are berries. But what about the good ol' strawberries ? Well as it turns out they're not berries after all. Instead Watermelons and Bananas are botanically berries.

'These are all useless facts and an absolute waste of time.What is she getting at ?'

 What I'm getting at Jim is that you cannot categorise everything correctly.

There will ALWAYS be exceptions.

This is what I have learnt accepted recently.

You don't always have to fall in a specific category to be accepted. You don't have to be a specific 'type' to be able to do what everybody else is doing. You don't immediately know who you are and what you are capable of. Part of the journey of our lives is to get to know ourselves before we get to know someone else.

You just have to be you.