Promises

I'm angry at myself sometimes...

I am angry at myself right now

Right now I am angry because it feels like I have no control over myself. So easily persuaded.

My sister's paper cutter accidently broke off; I'm seeking the blade and it's so fucking tempting.

I could just pick it and prick....

But would I be at ease then ?

 Holding onto the slightly rusted metal with my finger. Something so small, yet the power it holds within itself is so immense. It has the power to take my life. But will I let it.

Ugh, I just reminded myself of that metaphor from "Fault In Our Stars" ;How that piece of rolled paper with tobacco in it had the power to take his life, but he didn't give it the power to do so. He put it between his teeth, yet didn't light it, hence depriving the cigarette the ppower to take his life.

Lets continue with my visual shall we ?

Turning that tiny blade over and over, considering all my past promises...

Promises

Huh.

When I was a kid, my parents were not in a great condition. We lived in a small house. They worked very hard. I remember parts of it. They used to get me ready for school and drop me off. From school I would go to a lady who used to take care of me until my parents came back from office. Sadly I can't seem to remember her name, but she is one of the few people I remember from my childhood. She has had an impact on me, but I'm straying from the point.

My parents worked really hard, just so that they could give me a better platform. Something much better from what they had received. I am grateful to them definitely but sometimes it was difficult for them to spend time with me. My mother worked office hours, but since my father was self employed, he used to be really busy. The reason I'm telling you this is because I want to explain why.

There were times when he would make promises to me, to take me out or to come home later or that he would buy me that toy I was pleading for. He wasn't able to always keep those promises. I don't blame him, I completely understand, but that little child doesn't.

I remember how much it hurt that little child when their father broke a tiny promise. 

Wasn't a tiny promise for me

It felt like I had been lied to. 

These adults teach us not to lie, but that is literally how they live.

You become an adult when you finally become a hypocrite.

So I hate breaking promises and I had promised a bunch of assholes/lovely people that I wouldn't harm myself

But then I did