Pools

Why do I believe in soulmates?

Sometimes I feel so FUCKING HOPELESS!

What the fuck am I doing?

Why do I do this to myself?

Putting myself through all this shit,

FOR WHAT?! That too all by myself

What will I get out of this?

I know I made a decision then, thinking it was for the best of me

I guess I have to trust myself  

But I guess I’m just looking for reassurance

But they look at me with so much pity

What the fuck are THEY SORRY FOR?!?

It was my decision and I am living with it

Their eyes

                       Brown and black

                                                         Look like pools of sadness

They seem to be sad for me.

But it just confuses me.

Because I'm not sad...

... I don't think I have a reason to be.

So why is it that my voice cracked?
Why was there a lump in my throat?
Why did they touch my face as if they had lost someone they loved the most ?
Why do they seem to mourn for me while I'm still alive?


Do they think i'm a failure?



Do they think I'm undeserving?



Their eyes baffle me.

















I hate this....

Hate

A/N: I've always written about love, so here is some about hate; inspired by Halsey









I hate the way you take control over me

Read me out and smile down at me

Grab me by the collar and throw me against the wall

Then pick up my pieces to snicker amongst

thieves who have taken parts of it

stick it together just to get a laugh off it

So will you ever let me be?






I hate how you know me

Inside out

upside down

Through and through

with all my reds and blues





Hit you back to save myself

here

cleanse your wounds with my tears

I don't need them because I've tasted enough

but

I won't let you help me at the times

you don't get to comfort me when i cry

I whimper alone in the centre of the room,

 with tears that like to race down my face

you don't get to be there for me when I'm scared and insecure

you don't get to pick me up when i fall

you don't get to rid your conscience of guilt

I will paint your face black with my innocence

and you can paint me red with your hurt

you just marched out of the room

"You need to become strong"

Am I not strong enough?

Fear

Sometimes I'm afraid...

Afraid of, what if I never fall in love again?

Or what if I'm not able to love someone back?

Well, to be able to love someone back I'd have to fall for them first.

Most people think I've never been in a relationship... which is true.

But you don't have to be in a relationship to be in love...

I think the first time I had truly fallen in love was also the last time. Not the last time in my whole life, but the last time in all my life that I've lived yet.

She was the reason I started writing.

I wrote for her,

All the cheesy things I could.

When it was over, it felt so weird, because I never had closure.

There was no "officiating" the end of what could have been.

But somewhere I knew it was over, because this affection that I had for her seemed to be unrequited.

I complicate things and I feel too much, but that's what I am,

A cheesy mess of all things in life.

People have fallen for me before,

Such people whose love I couldn't reciprocate

To them,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you fell for me.

I'm sorry you thought that you had to be loved to be complete.

I'm sorry society makes you think that you are broken unless you find the missing piece

And I'm sorry you thought that missing piece was me.

I'm sorry I couldn't show you how beautiful you are.

I'm sorry you couldn't see the sight for yourself.

I'm sorry that you tried so hard to be someone that you thought was better than yourself.

Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be in love with them.

They are two different things.

But people most of the times don't know the difference between the two.

I can love my best friend but that does not mean I am in love with them.

I can be in love with a person but that doesn't mean I love the person.

You must be wondering 'How is the latter possible?'

Well, ever heard of Love-hate relationships?

So my fear is....

What if I fall again? But for someone who would be oblivious to it?

What if I shut up before I even give it a chance to bloom?

What if I never let myself fall in love again?

What if....

Even if I manage to get her, give and make love to her, but leave her in the end?

I am afraid that I would run away.

I don't want to run away.

Comfort

Hey my love

I haven't seen you in a while 

I see you're growing up 

Into the light that I see inside 

I see your bruised knuckles and spindly hands

twisting around the cap

from the stacks of blues and blacks

All for some facility

of life and what it could be 

Yet here I stand.

Blood stained and sun kissed.

Deep browns and amber lips.

Raven hair and jaw unclenched,

hands clasped in front of my back.

Don't promise love,

for it is not yours to give.

You were my creation,

but will you be my damnation?

In my blood there is song

That strums through my veins all year long.

Been waiting for you to hear it

since I was born. 

So lay your head on my chest 

Take comfort in me 

Let my fingers run through your hair 

like wind through the fields

Don't hold your breath 

Let it flow like light through the forest seams
Take comfort in me
And let the sobs rack your body
For you are alive

Pity

I take a minute to feel sorry for myself
Taking my arm in my hand
Looking at my scars I say


"Oh you poor child,
you've been through hell.
What did you go through
that you did this to yourself?"


"O sweet child, you've never done anyone wrong.
You are worth all the tears in this world.
The world owes you so much happiness,
I just hope you stay long enough to see it"


So I raise my hand and kiss my scars.
The kisses are awkward but meaningful.
My head pounds and hand aches,
but this interaction will never see the day
for only the brave, at night, stay.


So I hope my knuckle doesn't swell
but my heart does instead
hoping to see a stranger
who will do this all over again.