Mourn

 I love you

I love you

I love you

I wish I could say it again and again to you
I wish you would understand the intensity every time I said it
I wish I could hold you at night
I keep dreaming about it

About holding you

and wondering

what if I didn't wait for you

what if I had just kissed you

Was it wrong for me to wait for you?

I knew that I missed you

but after meeting you

I mourn the person I knew

I mourn for the love that I couldn't share with you

not because it hurts me but because I know I am too good for you

Sometimes you fall in love with people

and when that happens- you hope that all the good things happen to them

at that moment you don't realise that you are a good thing that happened to them

you don't until they're gone

and you cry with your knees tucked under your chin

missing them

because you needed this more than they do.

Short

She only seemed to drink when 

nothing seems to come out of her;

straight down, neat;

without a sound,

where most people would choke.

You could always tell her glass apart,
chipped on the rim-

from the day she bit into it.

There were a multitude of other-

new glasses-

in the wooden cupboards,

but she always seemed to pick the same chipped glass,

despite the risk of cutting herself;

it was always that glass.

A short glass, 

big enough to fit in her hand,

small enough to fill a drink,

just enough to get her there.

With a crown base,

made her feel important.

Yet she would hold it, 

with both of her hands-

like a warm drink in winters,

as if it was the only thing grounding her.

Her fingers running over the indentations

as her thoughts would slow down and prepare

to change their tracks

and take the route through a quieter scene.

She only drank when her thoughts would drown her

and she couldn't tell the ponds apart from the ocean.

As if the viscosity of the whiskey would help her float.

July

Sometimes I feel strong

a body

muscles wrapped and stern

curves and ridges

like a tree oak

Do people notice it when they hug me?

when I hold her, does she feel the soft curves, the way I do?

I hope I find a lover, how knows my body like I do

and I learn to know theirs too

It's beautiful

to touch someone

run your hands over them as much as you can

memorise the little hairs and moles on their shoulders

My promises to fill your collarbones with kisses, 

so you may run your fingers through them when I'm not there

A reservoir of memory.

I'm so hung up on the idea that things could have been so different

I need to get over that before I can talk to you

ABCs

I wish I could sing you

I wish I could sing you out like a sad song in my head

love

love

love

love

discovery

ache

ache

ache

ache

a dull throb of memory

a bitch

a scream of a reflection

laughter mocking me like an echo

an echo in my shell

heat seeps in and rests her hands around my neck

is she flirting of trying to kill me

reaching so close to this

like Icarus mocking the sun

but whatever happens will happen to me

my shell melts and I fall into the ocean

she won't; 

the heat won't let go of me.

We All Want More

We all want more

More of this and more of that

Hermit crabs and holding hands

The third fourth and fifth

Never like the first

No nervous fit will ever adjust your skin

Over your tightly bound muscles like your first

Settling down with staple pins and blotched papers

I’ve tried mapping you but I’m too good for myself

I think too much

Maybe it’s a bad thing

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I’m scared to want you

Scared to ask for you

Scared of more of you

These irrational fears can’t keep me back

Only paperclips and swinging battens can

I still feel like a kid

Trying out a new candy for the first time

Yet somehow older

Because the world is pushing against me

Too much crowd and rush hours abound

My ship sets sail in the thunderstorms of Delhi

I’m just a passerby in this heart

I live in the lungs

Occasionally visiting the other one

My route follows through the heart and I see my friends in the other one

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We live in too many different organs to be able to pass each other on the street

Inspiration strikes like lightning to me

Like an unadvised visitor

Surprising me in my cartoon shorts

Quick!

Before it goes away!

Write it down!

draw a sketch!

memorise it!      kiss it!      hold it!

Comfort

                                   Massage

                                                                         Coming home

                                                                                                                           Intertwined

Pull yourself out

Warm from showers to pajamas

                                                              movies under blankets

                                                                                                              munchy munch crunch munch

The Third

People with rough hands are dangerous,
they have done thing against their wills,
out of their comfort
not afraid to fuck themselves over to get what they want
ready to let all they have, go down the drain as if a lottery cruise in the Caribbean

People with soft hands are also dangerous
they are warm and welcoming
seductive
charming you to be comfortable in them
they will trap you to be comfortable in them
forget all worldly worries as long as they are next to you
but the moment they leave
your house of mirrors will shatter
and announce you naked to the world

Just don't hold hands
It will kill you.

Staring

How I want someone to undress me
purely with their eyes
I want to be admired
and I want to be cherished
I don't want to overflow in his river of love
I hate tsunamis
they tempt with you sea shells and show you things people haven't seen before
your curiosity gets the better of you and you dive in
you go closer
and that's how they get you
they overflow
and you're left drowning not knowing what to do
you don't know how it all happened
how you ended up here
all you wanted was to collect movie tickets and sea shells
now you find broken pieces of glass shining in the sun pretty
Do you really think it is all worth it?
What do you think is your worth?
clench your jaws as much as you can
but no amount of grinding can pull back your tears
try to look up at the ceiling hoping they'd go back in
but they just fall over like sink full of dishes that someone forgot to do with the water running
I don't remember what my body looks like anymore
Rather, I don't care
All I know are the eyes that stare at me when I wake up and walk to the bathroom
they always greet me with the same amount of determination to face the day
And so, I go
I keep going
till its all over and I'm left alone in the bed again
with all of my clothes, pillows, books and pens.



no amount of sleep will replace you.

Bookmarks

it's unfortunate that you can kiss pages
that the stranger in the library wouldn't care about

the librarian will shelve each book with indifference

do they have a favourite book?

one that they like putting back?

maybe because it sits so perfectly in the shelf

maybe because she misses looking at it when it's gone

maybe it fills the odd Gap because that is
the only one that matters in the entire library

maybe the stranger will notice your stamps

maybe she will try to kiss it

to feel what you felt in the moment

how sick

Paguroidea

Hermit Crab
Decapoda Crustaceans of Paguroidea
Fighting over shells
Naked, soft and competitive
Looking for a new home
Soon to grow out from
Mama & Papa crab will watch as their baby
grows out of their shell
They seem him find empty tin cans for shells and watch him
as he exchanges his shells with his friends and strangers
to find
one that gets a shell bigger than him.

Such a foolish crab.

An idiot; anomaly of the family
Will he ever grow into it?
My hermit crab,
will you ever learn?
Home is where the heart is
But hearts are not found in shells
So, where is yours?

Before I Fall

I will put your bones to sleep
within your body, tuck them into you.

I will kiss them when they rebel against your skin
and hold them close to me.

I will greet them everyday
as if they were my best friends
and I will kiss them every time I see them
as if meeting them after a long time.

I will run my hands around your body
until I know every bone
and every bone knows me
until every bone responds to me
the way friendly neighbhours do
when out for a walk.

I will put your bones to sleep
within your body, tuck them into you.

I will kiss them goodnight
before I fall.

Spring

The darkness below her lip,
before she opens her mouth,
entices me.
The flicker of her eyelashes,
the crease of her brows
string me up like wires on a board.

I want to find someone new that my heart can chase
as he tears your ghost apart
and i am drenched in your cosmos
the gases, the stars and the dust
all this heat and tears will do me no good
but I cherish it all
like a breakdown shower at midnight
where I find comfort most on the floor of the bathroom.

I find myself jealous of the mic that is able to touch your lips
more than I can
and i run my fingers over the metallic criss cross
of this and that between the lipstick stains
because they may not come back

and the leaves will fall to the grass leaving their mighty home behind
and becoming the earth beneath my feet
which my toes will fall on with abandon
reaching every grove of my body
never to be scrubbed out by a simple bath

it'll always remain a part of me.

Bonds

Hello

walls are made up of bricks and mortar 

with a layer of plaster and paint over

bricks are made of sand and clay

mortar- of sand and fine aggregate

walls are made up of concrete 

concrete is made up sand, 

course aggregate and water

it sometimes has steel re enforcement in it

but even though it is all made up of sand water and clay

why do the walls of my home feel softer than before.

the memory of the structures faint

the more i spend time with them 

there are certain walls that I feel like i can just push through

just another fragile organ

some are inviting 

like a feast for my fists 

begging to be broken like my bones 

oh to feel the cracks within

your walls will be torn down

by my own foolish doings

you will be shocked 

and free 

to see an idiot like me

i dare you to build them up better 

Waxing Moon

The bush
Cold and Mediterranean
With its paws so large
Sink
Sink
Sink
Into the ground
Vary of crows
And lovers
The duke sets in a seat
Like candle wax down the drapery
Of a house catching on fire
Icarus you bastard!
Couldn’t stop himself from reaching the sun
Is love so important to you?!
You fool!
Why would you go after it?
Did you ever worry about yourself?
Instead of the sun herself
Do you not know of her forbidden lover who glimpses
Be jealous!!
She is loved!!
By many other!
What is so special about you?
What do you offer you meek man?
Made of wax
The weakness of your ancestors is seen in your flesh
What do you offer to her that no other does?
How is your love different than that of the moon, or the stars?
Just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they don’t exist
They watch from afar and admire her
She burns in their affection and lights up the days sky
You don’t matter
Never will you be the same ever again either,
You will heal and get better
But you will never be the man you were before her
You will always yearn for her
She will always haunt your mind
Even when you find peace and love in a home
Even when she’s not around
You will think of her
It is your curse and you will have to live with it
I am sorry Icarus
The only healing is that you won’t feel for her
You will just look at her and miss the youth
When things seemed easier before her
When it felt like sparks being around her
But you won’t ever find that again
That feeling will never come back
It can only exist in your memory
Which have been plagued by her
Your faith was tested and it bloomed beautifully
You can sit in a garden with orange slices in your hair
Sleep in her glowing warmth when the winds turn cold
But you will never be the same
and you will never get to love her again
And that is the curse you will have to live with

A

It's so crazy
that at a point of time
all I could think about were
two bespectacled eyes
looking back at me and smiling
Teasing about being all my firsts in life
Ambition was a good colour on her and it was all I could see
Everywhere I turned
I saw someone that looked like her
and I wished that they would turn into her

Now

Another girl occupies my mind
and plagues all my insecurities
And I'm helpless
Not much can be said or done
I can just watch time trickle down my veins and wait for her

Predicament

I'm in a predicament
Because I can't decide
Am I a hypocrite
Or a fucking paradox

I used to be attracted to what was familiar to me
The way a scared child would run to their mother
I guess I used to be scared then

But now I don't know what state of mind am I in
Because I try to run away from everything familiar
Still afraid, but of tainting them with myself
Even after all these years I
My faith in me is as shaky as ever

In moments like these I'm jealous of all the ignorant ones
I wished I could be them
I wish I could move on as easily as they tell me to
I wish I was a trash bag in a park
Just collecting dust and once in a while people would use me for what I am meant to be.
I could do nothing wrong.

Ideal

But I'm not

Salt

I wonder if I shave my head
will my ears rest easy on the pillow at night?
Will they stop troubling my mind
with all the whispers that got stuck on them like gunk
I should shower in the morning and clean my ears out,
properly.
Maybe it'll grow out curlier

When I have trouble falling asleep
all i think about is the sweat trickling down my body
staining the bed sheets
no  no  no
they should remain clean!!

All the stupid things I've seen in this world will never amount to why I continue to stay here in  a bubble world of carbon footprints larger than a giant's feet

The meek will inherit the earth
ants and cockroaches will rule it
and I hope thy run over my body with their little legs
I hope they make their home in my chest
and feed off of my rotting flesh
At least some one will make a home in me
even if in the post apocalyptic

Nobody left to salt the earth behind them

Nonsense

I wrote a letter to you.

Another letter.

Another letter.

Another letter

Another letter.

Another letter.

Another letter.

Another letter.

Another letter.

And another letter.

But the last one never reached you
because it was too late.

I kept that letter in my bag for a week.

I ran into you many times.

But we both pretend that I'm invisible

so I never gave it to you.

One day,
I took a lighter
and watched my words
turn to ashes.

Sometimes the good and the bad
make sense.
I let you see all of them
But not this

Nonsense, never makes sense.

But you did.