Promises

I'm angry at myself sometimes...

I am angry at myself right now

Right now I am angry because it feels like I have no control over myself. So easily persuaded.

My sister's paper cutter accidently broke off; I'm seeking the blade and it's so fucking tempting.

I could just pick it and prick....

But would I be at ease then ?

 Holding onto the slightly rusted metal with my finger. Something so small, yet the power it holds within itself is so immense. It has the power to take my life. But will I let it.

Ugh, I just reminded myself of that metaphor from "Fault In Our Stars" ;How that piece of rolled paper with tobacco in it had the power to take his life, but he didn't give it the power to do so. He put it between his teeth, yet didn't light it, hence depriving the cigarette the ppower to take his life.

Lets continue with my visual shall we ?

Turning that tiny blade over and over, considering all my past promises...

Promises

Huh.

When I was a kid, my parents were not in a great condition. We lived in a small house. They worked very hard. I remember parts of it. They used to get me ready for school and drop me off. From school I would go to a lady who used to take care of me until my parents came back from office. Sadly I can't seem to remember her name, but she is one of the few people I remember from my childhood. She has had an impact on me, but I'm straying from the point.

My parents worked really hard, just so that they could give me a better platform. Something much better from what they had received. I am grateful to them definitely but sometimes it was difficult for them to spend time with me. My mother worked office hours, but since my father was self employed, he used to be really busy. The reason I'm telling you this is because I want to explain why.

There were times when he would make promises to me, to take me out or to come home later or that he would buy me that toy I was pleading for. He wasn't able to always keep those promises. I don't blame him, I completely understand, but that little child doesn't.

I remember how much it hurt that little child when their father broke a tiny promise. 

Wasn't a tiny promise for me

It felt like I had been lied to. 

These adults teach us not to lie, but that is literally how they live.

You become an adult when you finally become a hypocrite.

So I hate breaking promises and I had promised a bunch of assholes/lovely people that I wouldn't harm myself

But then I did

A Name

True love is a Simple Tragedy

For the lovers do spoil each other for the best

And though they become one until death

The world doesn't seem to be so simple

      _______________________________________

Her eyes travel around

Curious, impatient; fervent

She looks up and down the road searching for familiar faces with unease 

So as to not be seen

 

Her hands travel up and down the strap on her shoulder

It seems to be getting heavier as she walks closer

She can't keep up this way

It's too much

"I can't take it
The anxiety is killing me"

And killing her it was indeed

She makes way in her piteous state

"Finally I can breathe"

She says as she let's go of the weight

Hanging on to her shoulder like the Laurel  Wreath

"Doesn't even remember my name..."

    ______________________________________

"True love exists
It truly does
But finding it is
My task from dawn to dusk"

"Oh ye Cheeky!"

My friends call out

As I jump down the stage

After taking my bow

"Been a Romeo enough ?"

They ask out

"Don't mistake me for Romeo as I am a fair maiden who has come to steal Juliet

My friends do not mistaken me for Romeo for I am no man

But I am more than a man"

Finishing off with a grin and howls

I feel a push and I turn around

I see the skies trapped in her eyes

Can't seem to let go of the sight

 

"Doesn't even remember my name..."

 

I think aloud

Wild eyes shoot back at me 

 

  ______________________________________

Was that the day that the earth met the skies ?

Or was it the day the sky fell on Earth ?

To each his own is what says my mind

Because on that day, everything seemed fine

Yet there were fires burning in both of them

For different reasons, 

Of different seasons 

 

   ______________________________________

Author's Note : I have decided to post whatever I write without thinking twice. Because after all, there should be no filters in my head, right ? That's what this blog is all about.

Sometimes

Sorry

These days all I seem to be is Sorry

Was I always this sorry ?

Taking comfort in the apologies of my uncommitted crimes

My own voice echoing through my skull

They tell me that it's okay,

But will it ever be truly okay ?

I am sorry

Sorry for existing.

After all,

the crimes that you hold me guilty for

would have never happened if I didn't exist.

You tell me it's my fault

My thought are running around

Begging to know

"What can I do to make it right ?"

Is there something that I can even do ?

Sometimes they ask me

"Are you okay ?"

So I lie through my teeth

My prideful smile playing on my lips

Pulling my cheeks up

And keeping my head high

"Yup"

Sometimes they ask me 'why ?'

Why do you keep it on when you don't need it ?

Why do you listen to music when you study ?

Why don't you talk ?

Why don't you ?

WHY DON'T I WHAT ?!

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT AS AN ANSWER ?!

I AM ALL ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS, WHICH RUN AROUND CAUSING MAYHEM WITHIN ME

These thoughts will be the death of me

Or have they already killed me ?

Too dramatic you may say

Huh

Doesn't seem dramatic when ... Nevermind

You ask why I keep the AC on even though my room is cold ?

The low hum of the machine keeps my ears occupied. The cold air pinches my skin telling me that I still have senses

I can still feel

I am still alive.

You ask why I listen to music while studying ?

The sounds keep my brain from going into thoughts. Thoughts you wish I'd never had. But you can't step into my brain can you. Only I can help myself...

Take away my headphones, turn off the AC, switch off the fan.

Give me a pen, some paper and my calculus

The shrill hum of the silence blows in my ear

Reminding me that I am all alone in the room

Do you have any idea how tempting it is ?

It's all so simple yet

You had to go and complicate it

Trying produce a will to live within me.