Familiarities

I have always found comfort in things which are familiar to me

Songs in a familiar arrangement bring back memories and comfort

The familiar expression of my best friend and her calm and confident eyes make me calm

The familiar scent of my blanket puts me at ease in the dark

I've never been afraid of the dark

The only thing I've ever been afraid of is the uncertainty of what could be in the dark

It's the same reason why I'm afraid of the deep sea

Because I don't know what could be there

I'm not afraid of heights

I know with certainty that if I fall

I will crash to the ground

Doesn't matter if I survive or not

What matters is that the ground will be there to catch me

Knowing this puts me to ease

I just thought what my certain family members would think when if they read this.

They would probably laugh and call me an attention seeking teenager.

Maybe I am seeking attention

Ever wonder why though ?

Because sometimes these familiarities scare me 

Swinters

Big, cold hands,

Used to hold mine within

I loved him

He was my familiarity, my stone

His warm breath would hit me

Like a hot summer wind

And his hair used to fall in waves

But now,

He has no breath

All his hair is gone

His whole body is cold and pale

Small warm hands,

I hold within mine

I love her

Her eyes are attentive

Like a curious child's

Her smile is enchanting

Like the sun in a winter sky

And now

She is here next to me

With me ...

Week

We're going somewhere

And I just can't sleep

Too many street lights

I've been up for weeks

Searching for something that I don't need

Or maybe it's what I choose to believe...

They say you realise a person's worth when they're gone

But I realised their need when I didn't even know them

Feeling high from all that's around me

Drug abuse? That's not me...

The stress gives me a high

I call it anxiety

Falling from that high is the worst

Who am I to judge people when I feel the biggest hypocrite in the world ?

I tell people to love themselves

Teach them even,

But I'm not able to love myself....

I wonder if I ever will be able to.

I have a long way to go, but I'll get there someday.

Sometimes I feel too much

Huh

I always feel too much

That's a feeling too, lol

Maybe it's normal,

Maybe it isn't

But whatever it is

It's me

And I'll learn to live with it love it

Hold Me Back

Why do my parents tell me not to cry ?

It is completely alright if my little sister cried

Heck, they gave her love when she cried

But,

When tears start forming in my eyes

And they can hear the emotion in my voice

As I try my best to speak through it

They tell me not to cry

I shout at them

"What is so wrong about crying ?!

If I'm crying then I can't help it.

It's an emotion.

I can't stop it."

I want to shout further

"Would you rather have me harm myself than cry ?

Would you rather I held it in and let it eat me up inside ?

Because that's what I did as a child

AND IT DID NOT WORK OUT FOR ME!!"

But I don't

What holds me back ?

Why don't they understand ?

Why is it so difficult to understand that crying is okay ?

Why is it so difficult for them to see that my studies is not the only thing I am ?

Yes it may play a role in my future

But they make me feel like IT is my future.

Somewhere deep inside

A small part of me believe that it isn't everything

But right now,

I can't even tell what I'm feeling

If I could, I would

If I could, I'd want to relive my childhood. Not because I have amazing and fun memories of it. It's because I don't remember any of it. Most of my childhood is just a blur of really funny and happy moments. I don't want to relive it for those moments; no I want to relive it for all those mundane moments. Moments where the maid combed my hair and tucked the hair behind my ear with it, just the way I like it. How my dad would feed me boiled eggs with salt and pepper as I hooked my shoes on because I was always late to school.

I want to relive my childhood so that I can see where all those scary memories came from. The memory of my parents fighting, memory of blood everywhere, memory of being bullied.

Some of my favourite memories from childhood are when my grandfather used to come pick me up from school. The school has huge jamun trees, so on the way back he would pick some of the fallen fruit which had not been walked on, wash it with water from my water bottle and then we would eat it on our way back home. We didn't speak much but we were just happy to see each other.

I remember him being hurt. I remember taking a glass of water and some cotton near him. I remember dipping the cotton ball in the water and then using the soaked material to clean the scratch on his arm. What I don't remember is  how much was he hurt ?

Maybe they will always remain a mystery. Maybe they are meant to not be understood. Maybe that is the magic of it all.

One thing is for sure though, that I wouldn't change any of it.

Are you what love looks like ?