What to Do?

"Do what the world tells you to do

         Because that is the only way you will fucking live"

I just wanna show up

With the wounds and scars I had 

When I met you 

For the first time 

Why do you scare me so much?

'I don't fear anything!' I tell myself

'I cant't fear because there is nothing dear to loose'

Yet you make my heart race and breathing uneven

I am scared of you even though you've never touched me

But your words always leave me boiling

I can't hate you, because you only mean well

but I don't like the way you make me feel.

I don't have any fears

Yet I am scared all the time

My stomach curse and crunches

Just put me out of my misery 

               "It's really difficult to live 

   

                                     But the worst is to survive"

It is so sad

I bet even my demons laugh at my attempts to live

Laughing their horns off at my tries of being who I want to be

Their tails smacking around as they roll on floor

Laughing at my futile attempts

'I am brave' I think to myself.

"are you really?"    my demons question me

"I see no change. You achieved NOTHING!"

"i did..." I try ro say in small whisper

"Fool! Don't you see? It's all foolishness. If you don't do what you're told, you'll amount to nothing"

"I already did what I was told!I do what I am told! Yet I don't see anything! I am incapable of doing anything! Because I am tired; tired of just working, working, working and working and never achieving anything. I know it sounds selfish. But I let down so many people. I try to act like I don't care, like it doesn't faze me. I act as if I'm strong and I can take it... 

I'M NOT!

I AM SICK OF THE ACTING!!

So you devil's can shut the fuck up! Because I won't stop trying until I die.

All the fucking world laughs at mt attempts, so fucking WHAT!

One day...

One day when I will no longer exist; a day I won't matter.

On that day I will be nothing but a fond memory 

For all those who knew me

Because I am going to impress this world with how beautiful I can be.

No matter how hard it is.

i will change the world...

That is a promise I make to myself tonight.

So shut the fuck up and watch"  I snicker at my demons

Who remain phased out by my speech.

Beg

You said you loved me



You said you understood me



But really




how can you do that when i don't understand myself?




How can you love me when i do not love myself?




to be alive today is surely an honour



one that's been bestowed upon me




It is up to me to make it worth while





but ....


I feel myself slipping

each and everyday


i feel some part of me caring less


slowly giving up....


people around me tried fighting beside me

for me





but now




they are tired too



they beg me to get up



to stand up on my two feet that they have tried to build for me


to fight for myself with all that they have given me


to remember all the virtues that they ever taught to me


to see the world not through their experiences but through my own eyes




I'm running out of things to say



I just want to enjoy the silence


the sweet silence with the person who understands me






She is there




She knows this too





But I'm afraid

Enough

What you do to me is insane.

How can a person consume me so entirely?

Ever since we began to speak,

you slept in my thoughts only.

You are the only person I've ever wanted to touch

just to show you how beautiful you are.

Even though, never have I seen your face

and this could all be a cruel prank.

Yet I seem to love you no less

 am I angry or compassionate?

I don't know anything about you,

all I know is that you're far away from me.

They say, deeper the crack

more the love can be filled in them

But will I be enough?

Am I?

You were just a crush to begin with.

But somewhere in between when we spoke,

 I managed to jump over your walls. 

I saw how deep you had your head in; 

in this dark universe of yours.

I, being the naive person I am,

 decided to help you through. 

Somehow, I began to want you. 

You told me about scars

 and all I wanted was to kiss them. 

I wanted to give love to your scars 

to show you that they would mean nothing. 

Not without you.


But when the truth came out, you disappeared.

Do you have any idea about what I felt?

I tried to reach out to you but you weren't there.

Was it easy for you

To leave me without answers?

To comeback after months without a fucking explanation?!

Yet I let you in.

You come to me for support when everybody turns their back on you.

It's so selfish of you

You use me to feel better and I like a fool 

Let you use me.