Author's Note : I don't know how many people face the same situations as me... Well not exactly the same situation because the world is a huge variable, but I mean relatively similar situation.
I decided to record my reactions
Before the encounter, all I felt was anger and hatred towards myself. Self loathing is all I have done every since I found my thoughts. I couldn't shake of the feelings. It was very difficult. Wanting to jump off of somewhere is all I wanted because I promised my father that I would not cut myself. Part of what made me angry was that I knew if I talked to someone like my parents, they would tell me that what I am thinking is very stupid,
that I'm seeking their attention,
it's just a phase,
you have to fight it,
'Look at me I have so many more difficulties than you and I'm still so brave, you can do it too blah blah blah blerugh .
Agreed that you have difficulties
Accepted that I am your child
So I ignored my feelings, suppressed most of my memories, I don't remember most of my life anymore. Almost as if I never existed.
I always thought to myself that people are facing bigger problems than me. They have much more complicated problems. So I shut myself up. I never wanted to appear selfish. So I shut myself up. Everytime I fall apart and get back up, people around me believtme that this would be the last time. So I shut up and let them believe just so that they can go on with their lives without me being a distraction.
I always felt that my problems were insignificant compare to other people's problems. So I never said anything about mine. Or told myself that I didn't have any problems.
As I grew up I let myself coop up. I pretended that I was invisible. A spectator to the story. The way a person reading a book feels like, being able to see everything happening with much detail but not being able to participate in it.
My palms are almost bare. Very few lines are there. I like to think that it would be my choice. My future which I decide.
Sometimes I tell myself that I am different because I will survive under all circumstances. Yet sometimes I don't want to exist anymore.
It sucks.
Whenever I talk to my counselor, I end up coming face to face with my reality.
The very reality which I have been running away from so long. But didn't I choose to face it ? Then there shouldn't be any thong wrong, right ?
Well after I left her room, I realise that I am numb. I'm not thinking about anything anymore. It's like a vacuum inside my head. Before talking to her, my mind had been abuzz with thoughts, theories, worries and poetry. It was slightly suffocating. But now...
It was empty. I didn't feel anything.
Numb
